Out of Control

Journal entry, July 2, 2009

I feel out of control. My pulse is racing. My mind is overwhelmed and I feel as though I want to scream. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit. To calm myself. To let these feelings wash over me. My phone just rang or buzzed or whatever it does and I want to throw it against the wall until it stops. Unable to resist the urge, I check it.

A message from my cousin on Facebook. Who gives a shit. Why do I feel the need to be connected to everything as it happens? Why is my life dependent on real-time information? My brain is on the brink of a mushroom cloud, and yet I cannot resist adding more to it. More fuel to the fire. More kindling for the explosion of anxiety that came over me on the ride home from Home Depot.

Maybe that’s what started it. Why am I expected to know how to take care of a lawn? I am not a gardener. I do not know how to do these things.

Deep breath. And another. Pulse is getting back to normal now. In my rush out the door this morning, I did not have time to eat. Imagine my mood when I arrived at school to realize that my rush was in vain.

I had put the meeting time in my calendar 30 minutes before the actual meeting. So I wouldn’t be late. There was no need to rush.

Deep breath again. Again. Again. Again. Calm now. More than before. Cell phone is off. No more tweets or calls for a while.

I am a gardener. I can fix the lawn. And when I do, it will bring a smile to my face to know that I didn’t give up.