h00kd

The Invite

h00kd — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 01:30:25 +0000

Come on! [he yelled up
to Him] It’s time.
The day is here, and
my head is peeling (slow)
off its
resting place.

i don’t know if You will
care about what
i have planned, but
If You would
like to join
me on my way.

i would like it if You
did. i promise
i won’t go anywhere
that makes you squirm.

In fact. If You can
think of something
better to do, i’m
listening.

drop the rope

h00kd — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:48:59 +0000

Instead of fighting back
I have to drop the rope.
And hand it to
the One
who can wrangle up
that monster
and choke it
until it heaves
great dry breaths
of
desperation.

Out of Control

h00kd — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:48:17 +0000

Journal entry, July 2, 2009

I feel out of control. My pulse is racing. My mind is overwhelmed and I feel as though I want to scream. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit. To calm myself. To let these feelings wash over me. My phone just rang or buzzed or whatever it does and I want to throw it against the wall until it stops. Unable to resist the urge, I check it.

A message from my cousin on Facebook. Who gives a shit. Why do I feel the need to be connected to everything as it happens? Why is my life dependent on real-time information? My brain is on the brink of a mushroom cloud, and yet I cannot resist adding more to it. More fuel to the fire. More kindling for the explosion of anxiety that came over me on the ride home from Home Depot.

Maybe that’s what started it. Why am I expected to know how to take care of a lawn? I am not a gardener. I do not know how to do these things.

Deep breath. And another. Pulse is getting back to normal now. In my rush out the door this morning, I did not have time to eat. Imagine my mood when I arrived at school to realize that my rush was in vain.

I had put the meeting time in my calendar 30 minutes before the actual meeting. So I wouldn’t be late. There was no need to rush.

Deep breath again. Again. Again. Again. Calm now. More than before. Cell phone is off. No more tweets or calls for a while.

I am a gardener. I can fix the lawn. And when I do, it will bring a smile to my face to know that I didn’t give up.

I’m an addict

h00kd — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:39:19 +0000

It has taken me a long time to admit this to myself, but it’s true.

I’m addicted to pornography.

There. I said it. I have found that since I faced this fact, my life – and my recovery – have improved.

I know there are a lot of people out there just like me. The world we find ourselves in has made it possible.

As most other addicts of pornography, I have spent a fair amount of time on the Internet. Let’s just say, I know my way around these tubes. I have also blogged before. This blog will be different, however. I will be keeping things anonymous. Kind of like a window into my mind where I will spill my thoughts onto your screen. Hopefully this will initiate some conversation in the comments section of each post.

I have been attending a 12-step program since May, 2009. This has saved my life. It has saved my marriage. It has changed me.

I also have a sponsor. Someone who has traveled this road ahead of me and is there to guide me along the way.

There is hope. I do not have to give in to the temptations of my addiction. I am living, breathing proof that you can be set free from your addiction. Granted, I will always be an addict. I will always have this cross to bear. But I do not have to succumb to the temptation.

One day at a time.